I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
Randomize
