Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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