she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
