cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
