There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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