my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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