If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
25 People Didn’t Realize They Were Talking To Someone Famous
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
21 People Tragically Stumbled Upon A Dead Body
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.