"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
where are you?
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)