its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Randomize
