I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize