Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
