Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
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