There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
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