So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
