dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
