dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
