I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Randomize
