I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Randomize
