it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
drinking out of a sandbucket again
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
