I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
