All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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