Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
