I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
