she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
