Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
We're too hungover to prance.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
