I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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