I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
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