What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Randomize
