you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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