Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
