in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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