just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Randomize
