I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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