GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
