The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
there was a trapeze. enough said
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
