I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
