put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
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