they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
