On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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