Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
