I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
