my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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