Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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