she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
