it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
