Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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