I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
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I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
19 Worst Song Lyrics of All Time
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
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