I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Proof That Kendall Jenner Is The Queen of Cannes
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
The 21 Worst Ways People Have Been Dumped
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.