end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
