Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Randomize
