Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
