I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
