I wanna bring you to show and tell
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
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