Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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