It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
