I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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